Chip and Dale Designs

I AM NO JULIA CHILD

As turkey day approaches and I think about all of the wonderful food that goes with it, I have to admit something to you all. I cannot cook for shit- trust me. Ask my poor family. Now and then I have a bright moment but my failures far outweigh my successes.

Let’s blame my mother- that is where everything starts, is it not?? She was the master- she could cook anything. She set the bar too damn high. I remember one year my dad giving her crap about putting ice cream in the oven to make a baked Alaska- she showed him –it was terrific! We did not have a lot of money growing up but the food was always plentiful and fantastic. Except for her New England dinner- it had turnips in it. I still don’t like those bastards.

I also was never home as a teen. My schedule was- band practice, volleyball practice, archery practice, dating the band director practice, choir practice, play practice, parties in the boonies practice, etc. I WAS NEVER HOME. Then my mom had to go and get cancer when I was a junior in high school so all cooking training would have ended there anyway. Yeah, let’s keep blaming my poor mother.

Fast forward a few years and to my move to Colorado. It was the week before the dude ranch opened to guests- thank God- and I was helping the cook with dinner for the staff. She was making spaghetti and I asked her if I should throw the meat into the sauce. She told me yes. What she failed to mention is that I was supposed to cook the meat first. Who knew? It sucked, the guys ate it anyway and I was banished from the kitchen the whole rest of the season. Well played, I think!

After leaving the dude ranch, I wanted to make some of my grandmother’s bread pudding. This is a cold pudding that is not cooked- weird, I know as it has eggs in it. Well, I got done with the pudding and it was very runny- not at all like hers. So, I called her. She went over the recipe with me- Did you let the eggs get to room temperature? Yes. Did you add the bread- yes. Did you whip the whipping cream? No. Then, in her sweetest, yet most disgusted voice she says- WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT WHIPPING CREAM? How in the hell should I know? I never attempted to make it again. I still have the recipe in her handwriting and will never get rid of it, but I will never attempt to do it again.

A few years after that fiasco I attempted to bake my first turkey. Why would I think there would be body parts inside of the fucking thing that I had to take out? Who does this??? People are sick bastards. They kill them and then stick their parts back inside- is this some kind of ritual? I don’t think if affected the taste much- but who knows. And let’s not talk about the time I baked the ham with the plastic still on it- it kept the ham nice and moist- trust me.

Then, trying to be the sweet newlywed wife I attempted to make Bob my mother’s red velvet cake. I got two 8” round pans all ready to go- I cut out the wax paper just as I had seen my mother do, greased and floured the pans, put the paper down in the pans then poured the batter into them. As they cooked, there was a problem arising-haha. All of a sudden there was batter pouring over the top of the pans and into the bottom of the oven. Then it hit me- this was a 3 layer cake- DUMBASS! After the 2 layers cooked, I attempted to make my mothers’ homemade icing recipe. I did not remember there being huge ass lumps in it. Again, I never attempted to make this again. EVER. But it is still my favorite cake ever in the whole world.

The one thing I could make that tasted good to me was my mothers’ potato stuffing. I always have loved it, but after making it for 10 years and realizing I was the only one who would eat it I stopped making it. Then my friend brings over her stuffing one year and my family scarfs it down. What could her magical concoction be made out of, I wondered? Fucking Stove Top and cooked sausage. Really people? It took me a good hour to make the home made crap and she walks in with this? Needless to say I have never made my mother’s stuffing again. And since she always cooked enough for the 7^th Fleet I have not figured out how to make just a little. Oh well.